This time, I’m not going to hide behind a brave face.

This time, I’m going to be honest.

May 1 has cast a filter over the simplest daily activities. Shadows of finality.

Although full weeks still remain, it’s the month that I’ll be spending more time apart from my babies and more at a desk.

My heart grasps for the blessings. They DO exist.

I’ll be only a building over from them, have more focused time to perfect my craft, a steady paycheck again, and so much more…

But my heart feels. And twice as deeply because it mothers two.

Can I tell you what I’m afraid of? (read to end)

• I’m afraid of losing myself again. To drown in the rat race of brick and concrete.
• To not have time to think for myself.
• To be too exhausted to have quality time with my family.
• To be misrepresented. Because we work with humans.
• And irrationally I’m afraid that I set up unsustainable nutrition and fitness patterns that will backfire when my routine shifts. Because last time this was my escape. I made getting back to pre-baby weight a distraction from my reality. So of course it didn’t last.

But these are just fears. Fears that may even come true–but only if I dwell on them.

What I have learned over my few years on earth is that… usually… what I am most dreading in life (especially in interaction with other people) none of it actually happens.

I’m sharing this raw material because I’ve learned that admitting things “out loud” has a healing, freeing element.

Please be kind though. Or just bring up my name to the Lord when you think of me.

Note:

This was written as my second maternity leave was drawing to a close… and because of my honesty I now only work 6-days. It’s incredible having that extra time in the afternoon to care for my home and children.