Or the Mother’s Day Itch

Mother’s Day is a tough day for women. Many women have spoken out about their personal struggle. Now I am.

In the picture above… what you don’t see is the deep pain behind that smile.

When I was newly married, my friends had babies.

As I looked down at the perfectly formed features of their warm, tiny human in my arms, I’d marvel. What a miracle.

Then if she were to cry, I’d frantically look for the mother and transfer the bundle.

And as the child left my arms, it also took the living warmth with it. And I was left with cold, empty arms. Somewhat like my heart.

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A year ago this month (May) my heart ached for another baby. I already had one but if your soul ever longed to be a mother you know how real that feeling is.

And lo and behold, precisely one week after little Evelyn Mae became two cells, I realized God had granted me my desire once again.

Stay with me. The journey is not for the weak of heart! As women, we can tolerate some pretty intense pain.

Those first few years being married, Mother’s Day, baby showers, even bridal showers were impossible occasions.

My heart, my body, my soul— everything long for a child I thought I would never have.

Well-meaning friends to meddling strangers would tease and inquire when we would become parents. I plastered a smile on my face and forced a laugh along with them, my heart breaking into smaller pieces.

Our life at the time seemed to deny me my greatest longing. So many nights I held myself and wept. My heart literally throbbing and about to burst out of my chest.

Then. I’m ashamed to admit. I created an escape from the excruciating pain. A friend cautioned me not to. But I had to. I couldn’t bear to sit with the pain.

I became a runner and aspired to be a hardbody (emphasis on aspired). Hey, it worked because I was in the best shape of my life.

I asked God repeatedly to take away my desire. But He never did. In fact, He made it stronger.

Finally He granted my dream once my husband and I moved to Pensacola. Then again a year ago.

Why should you listen to me?

Sister, because I am a testimony that God hears your cries especially when you feel all alone at night.

God already has a plan that is tailored just for you. It’s just a matter of time before He will reveal His perfect gifts to you.

I’ve lived through the pain and have embraced some reward for my trust and patience. Of course there is more that I desire but I choose not to miss each blessing along the way.

And what makes this even more amazing… a year ago Caeden prayed out loud before dinner and asked for a baby. God hears the prayers of babies.