On being told you’re less-than

In every house that my husband and I have moved in (that’s three now, not counting apartments) we’ve watched the Gilmore Girls TV series through the fall months. I like the show—the love for books, coffee, that small-town feel—I am there.

But I will say that from time to time the girls annoy me to death because sometimes I just cannot relate to them.

(Think: the episode about Dean and Donna Reed.)

But overall, it’s good. Vibey.

The moment

Do you remember when Rory was given that internship where her at-the-time boyfriend Logan Huntsberger’s father worked?

Not once did ye ole’ Huntsberger slow down and teach her how to do the job. But Rory was a superstar, keeping up on her own two feet, learning what nobody told her, and even going the extra mile to remember how he took his coffee per time of day.

But despite all that, by the end of her time there Mr. Huntsberger had the audacity to tell Rory that “she hasn’t got what it takes.”

The Gilmores (except for her mom, of course!) wouldn’t believe that he had said such a thing, and for the longest time denied it in the face of propriety. That poor girl though, Mitchum wouldn’t even give her the time of day, so she literally had to learn everything on her own. But it was all her fault… obviously. [Insert: side eye].

My “Rory Gilmore moment” was not quite this dramatic but I felt a similarity. This was when I was told I was not a good writer. 

(Let me preface that by saying one of my hugest flaws is thinking the best of people and giving them all the credit.)

So when I was told that, what did I do in response?

I seriously considered if what I was told was actually true. Like, I spent days rehearsing the things that were said (and not said) to me. But even before seeking validation from anyone even I knew it was not truth.

All the good “fight” lines came after the fact, and thankfully, since they would have made me look like I was the one in the wrong. To some it may appear like weakness, me not dishing it back. And boy was I dragged through the wringer. But I am confident now that it was the Holy Spirit holding my tongue.

At the time, I was pregnant with my daughter and if you know anything about her, you know she ignited a fire in me that has not yet gone out. Now I’m more likely to put my foot down when I see something is not right and challenge it. But I wasn’t as tough then and I have to live with the fact that I stood by while injustice prevailed.

Through all that, I could not have made it, if it wasn’t for my husband. He’s been treated just as badly (and worse, perhaps) and yet he just carries on.

In hindsight, what was said about me was not true from the start because the opinions being volleyed were from non-writers. They were just the loudest voices in the room, so they were paid attention to. And for me to grow, nothing specific materialized.

Time has gone by since then and even though I was somewhat groomed as a child to believe whatever “truths” are spoken over me, I knew that this was not one. Why? First, because of the source (looking back) and second, I am still writing and hearing from time to time that my written words are touching someone’s heart.

So. Good, bad, or ugly, I am a writer.

Enter: Grace + Common Sense

So what’s the positive takeaway(s)?

This is honestly still a painful memory for me even as I am remaining vague (for several reasons) but if I am to stay true to what this blog is all about, allow me to draw out the lifegiving aspects. And finding the lifegiving Truth here is not hard.

And why am I sharing this here of all places?

Because I believe for many people–if not everyone–there’s one person who won’t think well of you and may act on it, spitting out what they think. But God gives grace, and He covers their faults (and ours!) and somehow gives you a way to grow from it and move on—and to actually thrive in spite of that experience.

Cuz I am definitely thriving today.

And can I be extra transparent here? I wrote this because I want to release some of that hurt that has been sitting with me from “my Rory Gilmore moment.”

In the words of Joseph:

Fear not: for am I in the place of God? But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive. Now therefore fear ye not: I will nourish you, and your little ones. And he comforted them, and spake kindly unto them. Genesis 50:19-21

Joseph was mistreated and misjudged when he didn’t do anything wrong. But in spite of what humiliation and shame he went through God allowed the situations (and there were many!) to result in good things for him. God was with Joseph all along the way and greatly blessed him.

Only God can do that.

I have certainly learned from this experience and am in the process of speaking up more, asking more pointed and leading questions–whether for someone else or myself. I don’t know if you can relate, but it’s so much easier to defend someone else rather than oneself.

Although I am not above asking the question, Why did it have to happen like that?

Perhaps I will never know on this side of heaven.

Just this past Sunday our pastor was speaking about Jacob and the time he wandered alone and slept on rocks for pillows. Jacob was not in a good place. We remember that Jacob was an influential character from the Bible, and he had to go through several hardships. Pastor related Jacob’s headspace to Job’s. Even Job who was in excellent standing with God had a moment where he didn’t know where God was in his situation. (Just because bad things happen, doesn’t mean they’re/you’re being judged…)

Beginning in despair Job said this:

Behold, I go forward, but he is not there; and backward, but I cannot perceive him: On the left hand, where he doth work, but I cannot behold him: he hideth himself on the right hand, that I cannot see him: But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold. Job 23:8-10

I love love love that last line: When he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold. Job was able to cling to the truth that God was in control and able to turn the fiery situations into a purifying element.

Amen.

At the end of the day–sometimes at the end of each day–as I am tried in the fires of real-life, I need the reminder again and again that everything I am experiencing and going through is to refine me and make me more like Christ. Because that is the ultimate goal, right?

Everything. Every little thing. Every big thing. All things are meant for our benefit.

How about one more word of truth:

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Talk to you soon!