When my friend posted this in her stories, a part of me wanted to burrow under a rock.
She’s doing a good thing, and my aim is to support her. We share similar dreams for our families, I won’t hide it. So here we are. She’s selling shampoo and I am set up to sell the shampoo, as well.
I’m just a girl. Okay? I want more babies. I want to retire my husband so he can dive into his soul calling. I want to help us pay off our house. I want to lavish my family with trips, experiences, and the gift of presence (read: more time together) then that’s why I am putting my neck out there. And it’s not going to be a walk in the park . . .
As a perpetual self-sabotager, I have already pre-declared the verdict from the noise I’ve pre-assigned in my brain. Before anything has even occurred . . . In the past I’ve heard opinionated feedback about this company and others like it–and that is where my wish for invisibility comes in.
Trauma response? Whatever, I don’t know. All I do know is that this is where I am and it feels very uncomfy. But I’m going to share my heart with you anyway.
So, what’s wrong with me?
I suppose I am simply living out how I’ve grown up regulating (and not healthfully) those uncomfy emotions. See them, hate them, want to hide from them. (Or is it just me?)
It’s just not my favorite to be vulnerable. Really.
Sharing my blog with the world was a huge step. (Can you believe it’s been a year since I officially launched it? I can’t.) And still each time I hit “publish” I hold my breath and then exhale big, letting go and praying it blesses someone.
I say this–and not at all to be “woe is me”–but I have not identified specifically what I have to offer the world. Hear me out. I more readily embrace the idea that what I am contributing is three children that are full of life and love and I pray that God will use them for His Kingdom. And yet I hope I am doing the best.
Beyond that? I am not sure–okay, I am figuring that out. Because even I believe that everyone has a purpose under the sun. But this lack of self-assurance lends to the talking myself out of doing things that could maybe actually work . . .
So if you can believe it, me writing this is actually inviting accountability.
Choosing to Share the Room
I am going to have to remind myself [regularly] why I’m following this path. There is so much noise, I tell you. Inward, preconceived, and even in my little circle. My husband, I realized, has apparently been proud of the fact that I really don’t like to spend money–cuz he mentioned that he won’t be able to say that about me any longer. (I suppose that was a flex for both of us.)
Now I hope I can make him even more proud by the income that maybe I’ll be able to bring in.
A fun thing I should not overlook is that I get to see how I actually like the shampoo! I am honestly curious how it will work with/enhance my grey hair. Who knows–this could be the way I get to “market” this thing successfully? I tried a sample of the ‘poo about 7 years ago and for only one wash so I really have no memory of what that was like.
What Needs to Be Unlearned
Since I’ve been pretty young I’ve admired people who have exceptional talents. Things that you witness and wow, are you moved to tears. You know, those who could do a double-triple axel flip (or whatever it’s called) during the winter Olympics, someone who toes the 400-meter finish-line by a literal hair, muscles rippling in slow-mo, tears streaming from a place of disbelief. What else? Someone who can carry the soul-stirring note to the very top and the audience weeps. You know, those epic, amazing feats. The ones that make the world pause.
I guess so I would feel like a somebody. But I am a somebody, a somebody that is truly known and loved by the Creator of the whole universe. My life is momentary, like the steam above your coffee cup on a chilly day. But what I do even today matters. Every little thing and as the Lord leads, you better believe I had better follow.
What I’m positioning myself to learn in the next days, weeks, months, years, is personal growth. It’s going to be uncomfortable and vulnerable but I hear there is power in not caring what other people thing. (Now that will be a stretch to achieve.)
Here’s a song that has encouraged me over the summer:
Some Myths I’ve Entertained
Here are some pretty great reels I wanted to share. I needed to hear what these ladies had to say since I have been one of the many jaded by things like this. And it’s not new to me. I’ve tried to do the thing with a fitness company several years ago. I was not successful at all and gave up probably too soon. It’s just so uncomfortable but I feel like now it makes a bit more sense to me. And perhaps with some more maturity I’m not going to shoot down anyone who envisions me on their team. It’s actually an honor that they thought of me.
Thanks for being part of my story. Til next time!
Here is the debut of my new fun website! The.Web.Site.
Grace + Common Sense 
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