I would like to take up running again this year. But it feels unrealistic.

Pre-kids I used to run 5 miles a day 5 days a week. It was amazing.

This morning, though, wasn’t the prettiest picture. My whole body was raring to go on a long walk around the neighborhood and naturally my precious little 2-year-old wanted to go with me. So I pulled out my trusty stroller to push him along as I stride.

But no.

Sweet thang wanted to walk beside the stroller, holding on to the side and pause every few steps to look closer at blades of grass or pick up sticks and acorns. When I picked up speed between each diversion the rear wheel would collide with his sneaker. I asked him multiple times to sit in the stroller so I could move but to him outside time with mom equals exploration.

And there is aboslutely nothing wrong with that! Except mommy was losing her mind and needed to let some stress out.

To make matters worse, after traveling along like this, I looked up to find an older couple sitting in camp chairs on their driveway, open garage behind them. They appeared a bit somber and none too eager to hold eye contact. Not to say they remember what it was like to be parents or were even judging me, but with my mental state, it didn’t make me feel any better thinking I may be misunderstood by strangers.

In the end, I took the little guy home to hang out with daddy and the others–but he was not happy about it–and neither was I.

But I needed this.

So I went.

And you better believe I power walked the whole way. With each step I replayed the unfortunate scenario and wondered what was wrong with me?

While I found the answer rather quickly, I didn’t like what I heard: I realized I’ve always put myself last. Growing up at home, I’ve put my parents and their preferences first. Those first years of married life, I put my priorities after Chris’s. And then for the past 8+ years of being a mom I’ve put my kids’ needs before my own. And in so doing, I think I am somewhat losing my way.

In all transparency, I don’t like to admit that I need a minute to breathe, and to take it a step further, say that “I need that workout” or “I need that hour to read in peace” in order to be the best version for these people I care so much about. I’ve not seen this modeled so naturally I am “asking” for it in unpleasant ways.

Not fully knowing a proper balance right this second feels like the pits. I know there needs to be balance, but when one goes from choosing to be last to realizing that priorities are way out of whack–it’s going to feel helter-skelter.

It was not wrong of me to persist that I take that walk on my own–but what wrecked me was thinking that my little boy was going to feel unloved that I was not taking him with me.

This is a tough inner-conversation that I’d rather not have. But it’s important to have an outlet for the daily stress I face–even if it means doing it physically. Because I want my family to have the best version of me–not the worst because I can’t get a grip.

Almost every weekday morning I do a 15-20 dumbell or Pilates workout which makes me feel so good knowing I’m doing something! But I’ve reached a level where my body craves to do even more. (Call me crazy if you want haha!)

I think it’s gonna take a while to get past the guilt of feeling like I have no right to ask for more time to myself.

Since the day I started writing this post, I pursued a genius opportunity to combine daily activities/responsibilities and really make a difference in my mental, physical, etc., well-being, but I was met with a shocking response, and no aspect of the situation was handled appropriately.

So I was forced back to square one, where I’m at the bottom of priorities. This experience had been so hurtful that I haven’t been able to write from my heart for a while. But I am here now and am thankful for a God Who continues to use what man meant for ill to make me more and more like Him–I hope that is what is clearly seen when all is said and done!

In other news, after getting tired of eating the same thing day in and day out, I decided to approach lunchtime as a culinary adventure.

And what do I mean by that? Where I work, I get to have lunch in a cafeteria. Our larger of the two buildings has seven lines representing a wide variety of cuisine. Embarassingly, I had only been visiting the salad line for the longest time until I realized there is so much more to life than that! So I’ve been going to almost every line and getting a little serving of any and all vegetables that appeal to me, and choosing a grilled/baked chicken of some sort. It has been so fun doing this!

Here’s a week of plates:

Instagram Reel

While I was in pretty good shape before I had my kiddos (I just didn’t even realize it then), I am convinced that moms can get into even better shape after they have kids. I have been working hard and feel so strong. And I want mine to be proud of me. So I’m not going to let this experience keep me down.

I’ve got no reason to. After all, I am still in the midst of my “healthiest decade of life.” Read this fun little story I wrote a while ago: Halfway Through – Grace + Common Sense

Thanks for reading along!